About

“Who is that girl I see- staring straight, back at me.” – Mulan

I originally started this page giving you a full epilogue of my entire life. My childhood, my trauma, my healing experiences. Then I realized two things: 1- This section will be an entire book and will probably take me close to a year to write. 2- What has happened to me in my life IS NOT who I am. << read that again.

Yes, my experiences have shaped who I am. But I also shape who I am. That’s the beautiful thing about being human. We are creators. We have free will to think our own thoughts and make our own decisions. So who am I? I am who I say I am. I am who I choose to be.

I am a being of light and life. I am thoughts, emotions, fears, and dreams all wrapped into a human body living a human experience. Who I am changes every day, every hour, every moment. Each experience, conversation and reflection changes me and helps me evolve. I guess that’s who I am; an ever evolving human being. And not human being as we know it but truly a human simply being. Being present to all the moments that pass by. Noticing each breathe, each event and each emotion.

No I am not present to every single moment. No I am not constantly happy. Let’s not be silly. But right now; as I write this. I am so present. I am so grateful that I chose the life I did. I am breathing in the smell of my pumpkin coffee as I sit at my newly installed breakfast bar overlooking my newly renovated living space with a huge picture window framing the freshly changing leaves on the trees outside. 27 weeks pregnant with my soon to be son and daughter, sitting in the house I bought with the love of my life and MAN am I feeling it all.

There is one specific event in my life that happened which I contribute my current understanding of life too. There have been many many experiences since then, but this one specific fork in the road prompted a decision that I believe was truly life or death. Maybe not actual death- but a slow, long, death over time. The death of my soul. BUT we didn’t go there. This event was my father’s passing away. He took his own life. He did not choose life. He decided that the con’s outweighed the pro’s. He decided he no longer wanted the human experience, he wanted to move on to what was next. He felt he was of better use behind the scenes rather than on the stage. And honestly maybe he was right. We’ll never know the alternative but what I do know is that this event put me in a position to choose. To feel everything, to look at myself, deep deep down, and choose. Will I let this destroy me or will I live the best life I possibly can?

I chose life. I chose to change my perspective. I chose to look at the light instead of the darkness. I chose to see what is possible instead of what is currently destroying me. I chose to push past my emotions. To acknowledge these emotions as temporary and actively work to feel better. And man was it work- I mean it still is. But that choice changed everything. Not instantly, but slowly over time. I thought to myself, I know how one side ends. I’ve seen how depression, pain, dwelling, darkness, isolation, and sadness ends. Why not try something different. Something I am not comfortable with. Something I have never experienced from those around me. Something that has no blueprint or guarantee. Why not take the leap and see where I land?