All Encompassing

Oct. 2022 I wrote this post 8 months ago.. I’m finally getting to posting it so let that be the preface for this piece. I also originally wrote this in the 2nd perspective using “you feel” and “you have to” but realized this is all about me, my experience, my perspective and sharing MY truth with whomever chooses to listen.

Being a mom is one of the hardest “jobs” in the world. Im using the word job for the sake of this piece but I want to make it clear that in no way is being a mother close to comparison with a job. Not even close.

Motherhood is all encompassing. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Entering this status quiet literally changed everything I know about the world and especially about myself. I no longer look through a lense of “me” but rather “we”. I see every possible influence, wether positive or negative. I sacrifice most of my own thoughts and desires and needs for those of the little humans who just started their journey in this big crazy world and damn do I want to set them up the best I can. So que the added pressure to not only do all the necessary things for these beautiful beings, I must do them to the BEST of your ability.

Motherhood is the deepest purest form of love I could ever possibly feel. It is easy to vocalize and conceptualize the hard things; the sleepless nights, the messes, the physical work. It is not so easy to conceptualize the love. The warmth. The pride. The bond. There is so much beauty in the sacrifice. So much growth. It is all so riveting.

The part I find myself struggling with lately is what I’m supposed to do with my past self. My new self as Mom is so full with so many new passions, interests and hobbies. Which are a bit less “productive” than my past selfs passions, interests and hobbies. A bit more internal than external.

I’m also so blessed to have a career that has grown and evolved with me and more importantly allows me to be home a lot of the time with my babies. And as blessed as I am, I can’t help but feel that when one “self” prospers, the other wanes..

As a Realtor, I sacrifice time, money and energy in the hopes of making sales. Sometimes things happen and sales fall through, time is wasted, and you learn and move on. I actually loved this aspect of real estate. I still do. The learning. Its growth. The trouble I’m finding now is that I have larger responsibilities that need my attention and I don’t have the luxury to “learn” as much. Simply because it isn’t worth my time. My time is worth more spent at home. Not only because I have to pay someone to be with my children when I am not but because missing out on priceless moments is gut wrenching.

But sometimes I can’t help but think – is this natural? Does this family dynamic work? Are we both meant to do it all? Or are their gender roles for a reason? Is that lifestyle better to have one focus and responsibility and thrive in that?

Let me say that I love to work. I love being a Realtor, I love helping people. I love the people I work with, I love the grind. I love to dream, work hard and crush goals.

And I am a a Mother expected to, and love to, tend to the children and the home. To make the breakfasts, lunches and dinners. The laundry, the cleaning, the organizing, the planning, the decorating, the household shopping, the list goes in..

My fiancé is an amazing father. He is Dad of the year sharing the load of nightly wake ups, cooking, cleaning, etc. And he is a Father expected to, and loves to, provide for his family financially. He loves his work, he loves his kids.

Equality = perfection right? We both work, we both care for the kids? Should be peaceful right? Idk man. Idk if I’m convinced… What I’m really struggling with right now is what do I truly want? Do I want to be a focused on my career and my goals? Do I want to be a fully involved Mom? Is it truly possible to be both? Do I want to do both? Simultaneously? Can I wait? I really dont know.

I have so many goals and aspirations. A Realtor, real estate investor, online marketing company, create and sell an online course, a non profit, a podcast, a book. All aspirations I have put very serious thought and work into. Huge dreams. And why would I be given these visions if not because they were meant for me. Because I am meant to bring them to life to be of service to others. I know its possible and I know it takes work and I’m willing to do it.

Until I wake up in the morning and see two beautiful faves peering at me over their cribs, smiling and giggling pointing to the window that they know I will soon let the light shine through. And suddenly all ambition is out the window. I just want to lay on the floor with them all day. Watch their wonder. Create art and play with them. Just live a simple life. Simply BE in these precious moments with them.

I don’t really have an opinion here nor am I looking for one. Just sharing what is real for me. I’m at a crossroad. And sure I have plenty of time to live out my dreams but they call me every day. I get a ping for something to do with one of my dreams every single day. I love who I’ve become and where I can go and I love being a mom. I truly don’t believe I have to chose but also doing both, especially doing both well is extremely exhausting and doesn’t feel right all the time. It doesn’t feel natural or easy. So for all my working moms out there who have an identity crisis 3 times a week – I’m right there with ya with lots of questions and no answers, a lot of ambition and 0 energy, and two beautiful little beings I get to watch grow for a lifetime.