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Them: We’d really love to see you this weekend.

Us: Didn’t sleep, moving plans, packing bags, managing meltdowns skipping naps — I’ll be there.

Them: We could really use some help.

Us: Running a business, working full time, drowning in dishes & laundry, managing house projects, working through mental health — I’ll be there.

——-

Us: Can you get this thing done for the business

Them: 2 days go by and it’s not done, sorry my just too busy — us: Never mind I can do it.

Us: Can we grab coffee or dinner, I need some time with a friend

Them: I’m not feeling good, see you soon. — Yeah see you soon when I reach out again in 6 months.

Us: Can you help us move stuff this weekend, we have all 3 kids home and not many hands

Them: ahh we can only help during the week when your working full time and running your business and the kids are off from school, we’re golfing this weekend — us: Okay cool we’ll figure it out.

I was raised to fold. I was shown example after of example of how to put others needs before mine and that keeping other people’s emotions in check was more important than tending to mine. Maybe that’s how I make sure they don’t “leave”.

I was taught that family shows up for each other, to be helpful, to do what is asked of me. And I did.

But honestly I’m fucking tired of it.

I’m tired of being constantly inconvenienced while no one can show the same grace towards us. No one can show up and be inconvenienced when we need help. I shouldn’t say no one — because one person does time and time again, every single time we ask. And then we feel bad for asking. Because we know how it feels to be constantly inconvenienced.

And I grapple with this a lot. Am I just ungrateful? They are doing the best they can. Constantly making excuses for other people. Giving them grace. The benefit of the doubt. But I’m done.

I’m angry and I’m disappointed in those I’ve surrounded myself with; family, friends. I’m tired of showing up at the drop of a hat, asking for help and getting nothing in return.

And yeah I’m probably not asking very assertively because you know why? I’ve learned over time to figure it out myself. To make the help I need optional for others. To not inconvenience them. And in turn I’ve trained people to not check on me or us, to trust I will figure it out. Because I will. Every time.

And I always want to bring it back to what is it in me that keeps attracting this time and time again. How am I not showing up for my people. How am I letting others down. What energy am I giving off. What wounds do I need to work on. How can I shake this pattern off. Because it’s been more and more of a pattern lately. In most areas of life, if not all.

I just want a village. I feel like I’m a decent villager. I want to be a villager. But I just want people I can truly and deeply trust and depend on too. I just need someone to prove to me that they see me struggling and they are there to help. Maybe without me even asking. But at the very least when I do ask. Because it’s lonely and it’s sad when you need help and everyone treats it as an option to show up.. so to not be too inconvenienced..

PS. Just feeling a bit ragey right now and a reminder that writing is an expression for me. If anyone is reading this who may be offended I’m sorry — and there I go protecting other people’s emotions again. 🙃

*written around 2022 I think*

My temple has cracks

I’ve been chipping away at

Thinking I’m laying the bricks

But it seems it’s crumbling instead

Reconsideration

Reevaluation

Reassessment

Revise

Relearn

Revamp

Rise

My temple is sacred

And I am the queen

Laying the bricks while watching the scene

Love yourself

Love heals

Just love and feel

Deep down

To the depths of your soul

Love yourself like there

Is nowhere left to go

Deep deep down where the cracken lay

All the way down where no one wants to play

Just feel it

All the way

*written 11/2/22* old writing

When we focus on love

There is only love you see

When we focus on love

There is only you and me

No more chores and to dos

No more lists or charts

Nothing left to be

You see

Love is all there is

Nothing more nothing less

Love is a revolving door

Opening for you

To see

What is truly

FREE

You and your ways

How you control the plays

But really it’s all a daze

Because some day

Well look back and say

Why was I that way?

Why didn’t I seize the day?

Stay

Present for myself and my kids

Present to what truly is

So today—

I can truly say

I’m acknowledging my ways & plays

I’m okay with the way

I’ve been and I’m okay with the way

I’ll continue to play

As long as I stay

Here.

*written in 2019* found some of my old writing and want to include it in this collection

Rainbows and butterflies

Or storm clouds and moist eyes?

Yin and yang, Mother Earth, the big bang

Chivalry today just isn’t the same

We give just to take

Our egos playing games

Depending on each other and constantly throwing blame

The honeymoon phase eventually ends

Leaving us raw and unfiltered, vowing to make amends

Our grandparents love outlasted the wars

So lucky are we to endure those sores

Yet this feels like war too, the expectations and standards

How do we know what’s true

Through the bullshit and propaganda

I know what’s true it just doesn’t fit in the mold

Trying not to compare when we chose the less traveled road

I’m grateful for this love even though it’s a challenge

I grow and I learn and I’m happy to be saddened

I love you with all my of my heart

I’m just trying to love me too

Together & apart.

Why is none talking about the pride and ache and straight up violent leap that is the age of 4. 

The age where we watch our babies turn into kids. 

Mumbled words turn into complete sentences and the question “why?” follows every statement. Block houses turn into elaborate monster truck ramps and scribbles on scrap paper turn into family portraits signed with their name. 

Imaginations run wild & new connections are made every day.

Energy spikes and creativity thrives.

They aren’t babies anymore.. they are magical and wonderful little kids.

And my eyes are wet as I write this because I’m so proud of them and simultaneously I’m so beyond sad that their baby years are behind us. That they’ll never say “Wawa” again when asking for water – they just get themselves a cup now. And instead of saying “ball” they say “Mom, want to play catch with me”. 

It feels like this past year stole their babyhood.. their toddlerhood. 5 is right around the corner and so is the beginning of years filled with learning and friends and activities. 

So grateful and sad, happy and mourning, full of love and full of sorrow. The perfect example of how riveting motherhood can be on both ends of the emotional spectrum all at the same time. 

It’s true what they say – it goes by fast. And the first 4 years, in the home, molding, shaping & witnessing their little personalities with minimal influence are by far the most magical years as a parent (and the hardest!). 

The most heartwarming and heartbreaking thing as a mother is to watch your little baby whom you put your blood sweat and tears into nurturing slip into an incredible young kid interacting with the world around them. 

We are only 5 years in — I can’t even begin to imagine 5 more after that .. 

Signed, 

A proud sad mom 

The world feels heavy right now, it feels scary. The intense realization that anyone or anything can harm us at any time. As a mother or a parent, you typically have an innate calling to, above all else, protect your children and it’s seemingly getting harder and harder to do so.

The city I live in experienced a catastrophe the other night. A restaurant I’ve visited frequently with friends and family was shot up. A man was killed. People were hurt. And devastatingly, as we understand it now, this was for no good or specific reason at all other than seemingly heightened emotions.

A man died. A man who was having dinner with his family, probably celebrating something exciting in their lives. A normal dinner that we all experienced at some point in our lives. Sipping on wine about to take a bite of high quality steak, he was brutally murdered in front of his family for truly no reason at all. Wrong place wrong time.. I can’t help but picture myself and my husband with a friend or our family sitting in those exact seats. Laughing drinking and enjoying a great meal together when someone evil decides that that’s the day that life will end. It truly makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I’m shocked and stunned beyond belief.

And I just keep going back to why. Why would someone feel the need to do this? What could possibly possess another human to walk into a high-end restaurant and start shooting people they don’t know for no reason at all? Why do people walk into schools, a child’s safe space, looking to cause harm to others – to children. Why does anyone ever want to cause harm to random, innocent people?

The only thing I go back to is poor mental health. I think it’s safe to assume this kid (he was only 23) was angry. An anger that burned inside of him so big and so violent that it had nowhere to go but outward. What happened to him in his life that made him this angry? Most importantly, why didn’t he have the tools to cope with it. What was pouring gasoline on this anger to move him to such a haneous and violent public act? Where and when was he neglected, abused, hurt? When and how many times did he call out for help with no response? How many times was he taught to suppress his rage? Where was he shown such violence? Why did he feel this was the only way forward?

Our world is vastly changing  externally and internally. We are exposed to so much violence both real and fictional throughout any given day that our brains can’t possibly tell the difference. We watch the newscasters report on these acts of violence and say “aw too bad” or “another one” but why is no one asking why these occurrences keep happening? We share our lives on screens and call it “connection”. And more often than not these days we connect on hatred, on anger on trauma. We share our woes with the world, not for healthy debate, but for validation and justification. To fuel our personal rage that burns inside. We have unrealistic pressures and expectations placed upon us by past generations, our peers and ourselves. We have parents raising children in pressure cooker situations, between financial stress, heavy workloads, disconnection, and little to no help. No village. No emotional regulation because no one taught them. Maybe he was never shown how to work through his hard feelings. Please don’t get me wrong there will never be any excuse or justification for such atrocious actions. I hope he rots in prison. But it’s sad to think this may have been avoidable, isn’t it?

We know what the world looks like divided because we’re living it. When we don’t talk to our neighbors. When we tip toe around conversation, so it’s not to upset anybody. When we type angerly on our keyboard shaming, blaming everyone else for how we feel inside. But what does the world look like where we can handle the upset? Where being upset is actually healthy and discussed in a way where everyone feels heard and understood and respected even when the other party doesn’t agree. What if we came together as an actual community not just behind a screen. What if we hugged our neighbors and cheered on those around us. What if instead of arguing our point we listen to theirs not so that our minds get changed or we changed theirs, but simply to just understand each other better and how we got to those beliefs. What if we connected on love, on creativity, on productivity and problem-solving. What if we connected on fundamental morals and beliefs not policies.

It seems like every other day we’re introduced to another tragedy of this kind, schools, grocery stores, movie theaters, restaurants. How could we possibly feel safe in this society? And I’m just gonna go ahead and say it— guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Gun control (although helpful, because I don’t think anybody should own an assault rifle if you’re not in the military) isn’t the answer. If somebody is set on causing harm, they will cause it. Guns exist, and always will just like drugs do despite strict laws. So do steak knives and other weapons that can cause harm. What we need is help for people. We need community. We need families who are supported in raising good kids who turn into good adults. We need a village to help those families so they don’t feel stressed and overwhelmed in their own emotions. We need emotional intelligence across the spectrum of people and cultures ect. We need to learn and teach how to cope with uncomfortable situations and emotions, not numb it. We need healthy outlets for anger and sadness, not suppression. We need to love one another and at the very least respect one another.. 

Every day I look around and see violence and tragedy, but when I look closely enough, I also see love and beauty. I actually see a lot more love and beauty than tragedy. When I smile at someone at the grocery store and they smile back. On a walking path and every person says good morning. When a whole line of people let my toddlers go to the bathroom first before them. When families come together to support someone in need. 

I think people are inherently good but I think hurt people hurt people and we need to figure out how to help those people that are hurting. Pain is inevitable in life but suffering is option. Hard emotions are inevitable but violent actions are avoidable.

Godspeed.

Time goes by- the only true certainly in this life while we are alive. There will be another day, and another after that and then some more. Another week, another month, another year. And with each passing moment there is also a stark reminder that we will never get that past moment back. That moment is gone in the abyss of time, only leaving behind what our memories and iphone cloud photo storage can hold onto. And we wonder if we really fully appreciated it when it was here.

I’m trying not to make every single blog post about being a mom and parenting but if I’m honest that is my all encompassing personality these days and I’m actually starting to be okay with that — for this exact reason actually. Because it’s fleeting. Well yes I will ALWAYS be a mom from this point forward in my life but I won’t ever be a mom like this again. I won’t ever be needed in the same way by my children ever again once these “younger years” pass.

I think when I first became a mom to my twins, it was a shock to the system, as I’m sure every first time mom experiences. I had an idea of what it will be like logically. And I was overcome with excitement for a new chapter in my life but I didn’t REALLY know the deep rooted affect it would have on my entire being and way I perceive myself. I basically thought “my life, my goals, my ambitions, my inner world if you will- will be exactly the same, I will just have babies to care for and once we get through the newborn stage everything will pretty much go back to normal” …. Lol.

And then it happens, a mother is born, not just my tiny children. And over the last few years it’s very clear to me that that means so much more than I originally thought. It means my entire inner thought process has changed. My priorities, my fears, my ambitions and my goals. All drastically different than before.

Or maybe that “older version” or (younger version really) of me is still there but she now shares space with this new mother me. And she shares time.

I’ve always kind of felt like I was racing a clock in my life. Just not enough time in my day to do everything I wanted to do. Or that I wasn’t “far enough along” in my business, ect. But after having my kids the concept of time got even more complex. Not only am I racing the clock throughout the day trying to find time to do all the things my realtor, entrepreneur self wants & needs to do to keep my business (my first baby) thriving but now mixed with all of the things the mother self wants and needs to do throughout the day to keep my children and family thriving. And through all the chaos the days go by fast. And the weeks and the months. And then there comes a time when I look up from these moments of chaos and start to notice.

I notice the changes in my children as they start to get older and more independent. I notice my marriage and the fact that it’s been months since we had a quiet dinner together or talked about life outside of kids and work. I notice the unfinished tasks that have been lingering for months on passion projects I haven’t been able to get to the finish line. I notice my home and the incomplete diy projects and repairs that are needed. I notice I haven’t seen my friends in months and I hope they know I still love them.

And I wonder if I may have missed something while I was so busy. Did I miss my kids asking me for something and I ignored them while in a work call and their trust in me weaned just a little. Did I miss my husband subtle act of affection because my nose was buried in an email and his desire to keep trying dimmed just a little. Did I miss my window of opportunity to launch my course? Did I miss a huge moment in my friends lives and I wasn’t there for them maybe in the same way they were for me?

And these are all just thoughts – not really with a positive or negative connotation. Just thoughts…

It’s not until I really look at my children now that I it hits me harder than ever. Or especially when my iPhone reminds what they looked like 2,3,4 years ago. It hits me that they will never be that little again. They will never be this little again. And that’s it’s true what they say about little kids and how you only have them for 4 years… because now that they are 4; they have questions, and hobbies and passions. They are becoming themselves more than they’ve been before. Less dependent on me which is another stark reminder that someday they won’t need me at all. If I do my job right at least.. and I can’t wait for that for them and I want to stop time entirely and never let that happen. They tell me all the time “I’m not going to grow up mommy “I’m going to stay 4 forever” and although my heart says “yes baby you will” because this version of them will live in my heart (and iPhone photos) forever just like every past version of them- I calmly tell that that “growing up is a beautiful thing and they have so much to see and to learn about life as you get older and it will be so much fun”.

And I’m realizing that time isn’t actually the thief at all really.. my perception of it is. My engrained stubborn ambition is. My belief that my time is better spent on my business or housework or literally anything else other than them. And yes mothers need breaks sometimes too to get back to this state of appreciation. But in realty my business will be the same in 4 years. My ability to build a business will not be missed. Because people grow older, businesses and the need for them change but opportunity is always there. So I think I’m okay with truly letting that simmer for some time, and maybe who know, time will actually make it better- like a fine wine. l

All of these realization have lead me to be different this time around as we welcome our third and final baby into our family. To be present in the hard moments. To really know how fleeting it all is and take each moment in like it’s our last because it is. It’s our last moment like that, there will be plenty of more moments but they will be different.

So the work can wait, I have my whole life, from 35-40 years old and on to build and run businesses. To have a clean house and laundry neatly tucked in drawers. But I only have a few very short years with my children, to enjoy them as children. Right here right now.

And I’ve decided I don’t want to miss a thing.

I met my younger self for coffee one Sunday afternoon.

She was running late because she double booked – I was prompt but my mind a million other places.

She orders a caramel macchiato, I go for a decaf since I already had 1 cup today at 630am.

She’s beautiful, confident and vibrant but not yet fully comfortable with herself in her 22 yr old body. I’m tired and dull and wish I at least did my hair a little nicer knowing 32 could still be my “prime”.

She told me about the self help books she’s been reading, her vision board and that she really likes doing yoga because it’s the one thing that calms her busy mind (besides the weed). I told her those books will change her life, her vision board comes true to almost every single detail and that I still love yoga but I wish I could do it more. I miss it a lot. And weed makes me anxious now. She laughs and says “really??!” and then tells me I should do more yoga.

She told me about the guys she’s dating and how they started off great but took a break for a while last year. Then they jumped back in and started a business together in real estate without any hesitation about the future and she’s wondering why she felt so comfortable doing that “is he the one”. I told her he is but they’ll have to go through a lot together to figure that out. And no, she’s not getting married at 24 like she hopes. She’s eager to have a family, to do better than what life has dealt her. But she’s not ready yet. I don’t tell her though, I just smile and nod.

She told me about her busy schedule bartending, babysitting and building a business and I chuckled a little as I told her about mine coordinating childcare, still doing my best to work full time and be a full time mom. I understand her struggles while silently judging her since she has no clue what “busy” truly is yet.

She’s so excited about her new career in real estate, she’s so ambitious. I applaud her for that and am grateful for her energy to choose the road less traveled even though it’s hard.

She said she’s working so hard to make ends meet, working extra shifts at the restaurant to invest in her business. Putting almost every penny towards this dream. I told her it worked and how much we make now. She almost choked. I reminded her that “mo money mo problems” is not just a clever lyrical line. We aren’t quite “rich” financially speaking, but we are in a lot of other ways. She looks at me funny like she doesn’t quite understand. So I elaborate. “We bought 2 houses in 3 years and we now live in a beautiful home surrounded by family. We play candyland at 10am on random weekdays with our kids, we eat mostly organic, we still have the same best friends that have grown with us although on different paths, and although we see each other way less often, they are still so loving and accepting. We are in a deeply supportive, healing and loving relationship. We are healthy. We are happy. Money comes and goes but as we get older, we come to understand that these are things that truly make a person rich”.

She nods and tears up a bit and asks how many kids?

“Three” I say, “just like the picture on your vision board right now”. Then I look at her dead in the eyes and say “twins first” and her eyes are wide with fear. I remind her God doesn’t give her anything she can’t handle and that those babies change her life once again. She winces at the word “God” and I hold her hand reassuringly as I rub my hand over my pregnant belly carrying our third.

I told her I’m working on healing my nervous system from 10 years of “hustling” and “girl bossing” and how I’m starting to realize although I do truly love my job, that I’m not quite sure I can continue to try to be the best at both career and mom all at the same time. That I’m thinking about choosing one path forward for the foreseeable future instead of constantly switching lanes. I told her all her hard work pays off though and she hits some pretty big goals with that ambition. Goals that afford her the opportunity to even make this decision now. And I tear up as I thank her sincerely for her sacrifices.

She can’t wait to be a mom and to live this life and I envy her freedoms and excitement for the life she dreams of ahead of her.

I tell her I love her. She gives me the biggest hug and says thank you for not giving up and I simultaneously thank her for being so brave.

re•treat; (v) move back or withdraw

I write this almost 118 days from when I experienced it and I wonder why I did not write about it then.. but all we have is now.

I’ve recently been reminded of my inherent gift of writing (I say gift not because I feel that I’m that good at it but just because I feel compelled to share my inner thoughts somewhat publicly on this platform and think that must be because someone out there may need to hear it..) and I made a vow to tend to these calls more. To just “let it rip” if you will without overthinking who will read it and what they may think of me.

Anyways …

Thinking about our honey moon (months after our wedding) was refreshing in and of itself. Giving ourselves permission to be lavish and go “all out” — considering you only honeymoon once + not to mention we had thousands of credit card points burning holes in our virtual pockets — was a new experience for us, for me. Giving ourselves the permission to RETREAT from the everyday pressures of our big beautiful life we’ve worked so hard to build. Funny ain’t it? That may be a whole-nother post for a later day.

This trip would be deep and meaningful, regardless of where we went or what we did simply because it’s the first long trip we’ve taken since starting our family, just us, and just to simply celebrate us and reflect on life. And what better place to reflect on your crazy hectic American Lifestyle than in Europe?? There’s something about the streets of Europe that humbles you to your core and forces you to appreciate life simply as it is and not as it “could be” or “should be”. I can’t explain it. But if you know, you know.

So when I started researching, I felt called to research Retreats. And hey, it’s our honey moon, why not a couples retreats? No not like the movie.. much much more wholesome than that Hollywood mockup of couples who don’t actually like each other.. I was hoping for a yoga class on steroids essentially. A full immersion into ourselves individually, spiritually and into each other intentionally with no distractions.

The very first one I came across was in the countryside of Portugal, bordering Spain, and although vague in its initial description – just seemed perfect. Something about it just called me in and so, it was decided, we were heading to Portugal. A country neither of us had visited (besides a 19 hour layover from Prague to Boston) nor had any strong desire to visit truthfully yet knew it just felt right.

I think that was the best thing about it. For months I’d been overthinking when to go, where to go, then you have to narrow down where to stay, and what to do and it’s just exhausting. This was like hitting the easy button. Be here for these 4 days and we take care of housing, activities, and food oh and we’ll also teach you how to connect with your partner (and your life) on a deep level without distractions while enjoying the serene Portuguese countryside. DONE.

I think I want to just record the happenings as I remember them from this entire experience (with some insights and reflections thrown in of course as well) and then maybe expand on some of those more deeply in other posts as well.

So enjoy (: but mainly this is for my future self to remember everything I took with me from this experience and who knows maybe, if you’re reading this, it’s for you too. A girl can dream..

Much love 🫶🏼

Since before I can even remember, my worthiness always seemed to need to be proved in one way or another. “Look at me, I’m good. I get good grades. I’m successful. I’m doing everything they told me to do.”

And I can speculate for days regarding why I think that may be. Why I feel my worth and praise was always placed on external factors. How emotional abandonment is a generational trauma in my family. Not on purpose of course. Just a learned behavior over years and years and situations and circumstances.

And I think everyone has a different way of dealing with, rationalizing and expressing this trauma. For me, it was always “prove my worth”.

It’s interesting becoming as an adult with my own children (and living with my mother) how clear these modalities become. How I can see how certain phrases and behaviors generate certain feelings in me & them and in turn how I want to counteract or replace those with understanding, empathy, respect, and admiration. For my children, I don’t want it to be about what they do but who they are.

It’s so easy to say “you did a great job” “I’m proud of you for that” etc but I also try and tell them every night “you are so kind, so brave, so smart.” “I enjoy spending time with you” “I hope you know how special you are” “you are perfect the way you are” and i know there’s going to be something they grow up and grapple over regarding their own childhood and how they were raised but if I know better, I do my best to do better.

As for me— what the blog was intended to be about. I’m learning to unlearn these conditions. To be okay with being still. To know that I am NOT worthy because I am productive.

“The more I rest, the more worthy I am” is an affirmation I want to manifest.

For the past 10 years I have worked tirelessly towards my goals and dreams, and I am truly grateful for that. That part of me has gotten me to a space where I am so comfortable and content with my life that I am even able to have these reflections. So I thank her.

And I have to remind her that, this is a new season of life. A season of raising children, of emotional safety, of home making, of dedication and sacrifice. A season of pouring everything I have into raising the next generation of change makers, visionaries, and incredible human beings. And that, is the most important work one can ever do, in my opinion.

So the “production” I feel is so necessary to sustain my life is in turn slowing down, tuning in, being present. All very simple things yet all very very productive.

Perspective is everything.