Them: We’d really love to see you this weekend.
Us: Didn’t sleep, moving plans, packing bags, managing meltdowns skipping naps — I’ll be there.
Them: We could really use some help.
Us: Running a business, working full time, drowning in dishes & laundry, managing house projects, working through mental health — I’ll be there.
——-
Us: Can you get this thing done for the business
Them: 2 days go by and it’s not done, sorry my just too busy — us: Never mind I can do it.
Us: Can we grab coffee or dinner, I need some time with a friend
Them: I’m not feeling good, see you soon. — Yeah see you soon when I reach out again in 6 months.
Us: Can you help us move stuff this weekend, we have all 3 kids home and not many hands
Them: ahh we can only help during the week when your working full time and running your business and the kids are off from school, we’re golfing this weekend — us: Okay cool we’ll figure it out.
I was raised to fold. I was shown example after of example of how to put others needs before mine and that keeping other people’s emotions in check was more important than tending to mine. Maybe that’s how I make sure they don’t “leave”.
I was taught that family shows up for each other, to be helpful, to do what is asked of me. And I did.
But honestly I’m fucking tired of it.
I’m tired of being constantly inconvenienced while no one can show the same grace towards us. No one can show up and be inconvenienced when we need help. I shouldn’t say no one — because one person does time and time again, every single time we ask. And then we feel bad for asking. Because we know how it feels to be constantly inconvenienced.
And I grapple with this a lot. Am I just ungrateful? They are doing the best they can. Constantly making excuses for other people. Giving them grace. The benefit of the doubt. But I’m done.
I’m angry and I’m disappointed in those I’ve surrounded myself with; family, friends. I’m tired of showing up at the drop of a hat, asking for help and getting nothing in return.
And yeah I’m probably not asking very assertively because you know why? I’ve learned over time to figure it out myself. To make the help I need optional for others. To not inconvenience them. And in turn I’ve trained people to not check on me or us, to trust I will figure it out. Because I will. Every time.
And I always want to bring it back to what is it in me that keeps attracting this time and time again. How am I not showing up for my people. How am I letting others down. What energy am I giving off. What wounds do I need to work on. How can I shake this pattern off. Because it’s been more and more of a pattern lately. In most areas of life, if not all.
I just want a village. I feel like I’m a decent villager. I want to be a villager. But I just want people I can truly and deeply trust and depend on too. I just need someone to prove to me that they see me struggling and they are there to help. Maybe without me even asking. But at the very least when I do ask. Because it’s lonely and it’s sad when you need help and everyone treats it as an option to show up.. so to not be too inconvenienced..
PS. Just feeling a bit ragey right now and a reminder that writing is an expression for me. If anyone is reading this who may be offended I’m sorry — and there I go protecting other people’s emotions again. 🙃
