Loss

Two blue lines

A positive sign

Our life will turn upside down

For the second time.

I blink back tears

Both happy and scared

I don’t know what to think

I don’t know how to feel.

We weren’t really “trying” but

Then again the intention was there

“What if we have another-

Maybe in the next year?”

It happened faster than we thought it would

Faster than we thought it could.

We are so blessed

To bring new life again to the world.

The weeks go by – it’s time for scan

No one was there to hold my hand

It looks different than I remember it looking before

Just a circle, round but just dark in the core

The tech entertains my celebrations that “it’s just one”

All the while something in the back of my mind said

“I hope it’s at-least one”

The doctor comes in – let’s chat about your scan

We’re unsure, the outcome could span

We might be too early or it might be too late

Let’s give it some time. All we can do is wait.

So I waited for weeks

Pushing through all my tasks

While all I wanted to do was lay in and bask

In my guilt, and sadness and pain.

Confusion was the worst – do I hope or do I wane?

Until the day it came

A pregnant women’s worst fear

Blood streaks in the toilet and underwear.

Well it’s official, I’m not pregnant anymore

My brain: we can try again, actually try this time

We can plan and be ready, the sun will still shine

My heart: this is it, it’s over for us

I don’t want to let everyone down

My soul is leaving my body with all the blood

I wasn’t enough

I should of been better somehow.

I know this isn’t true

I know I’m 1 in 3

But it still doesn’t seem fair, why me?

On spiritual level our baby wasn’t ready

They had somewhere else to be

I can only just pray

That hopefully someday

They come back to me.