Productivity

Since before I can even remember, my worthiness always seemed to need to be proved in one way or another. “Look at me, I’m good. I get good grades. I’m successful. I’m doing everything they told me to do.”

And I can speculate for days regarding why I think that may be. Why I feel my worth and praise was always placed on external factors. How emotional abandonment is a generational trauma in my family. Not on purpose of course. Just a learned behavior over years and years and situations and circumstances.

And I think everyone has a different way of dealing with, rationalizing and expressing this trauma. For me, it was always “prove my worth”.

It’s interesting becoming as an adult with my own children (and living with my mother) how clear these modalities become. How I can see how certain phrases and behaviors generate certain feelings in me & them and in turn how I want to counteract or replace those with understanding, empathy, respect, and admiration. For my children, I don’t want it to be about what they do but who they are.

It’s so easy to say “you did a great job” “I’m proud of you for that” etc but I also try and tell them every night “you are so kind, so brave, so smart.” “I enjoy spending time with you” “I hope you know how special you are” “you are perfect the way you are” and i know there’s going to be something they grow up and grapple over regarding their own childhood and how they were raised but if I know better, I do my best to do better.

As for me— what the blog was intended to be about. I’m learning to unlearn these conditions. To be okay with being still. To know that I am NOT worthy because I am productive.

“The more I rest, the more worthy I am” is an affirmation I want to manifest.

For the past 10 years I have worked tirelessly towards my goals and dreams, and I am truly grateful for that. That part of me has gotten me to a space where I am so comfortable and content with my life that I am even able to have these reflections. So I thank her.

And I have to remind her that, this is a new season of life. A season of raising children, of emotional safety, of home making, of dedication and sacrifice. A season of pouring everything I have into raising the next generation of change makers, visionaries, and incredible human beings. And that, is the most important work one can ever do, in my opinion.

So the “production” I feel is so necessary to sustain my life is in turn slowing down, tuning in, being present. All very simple things yet all very very productive.

Perspective is everything.