I met my younger self for coffee

I met my younger self for coffee one Sunday afternoon.

She was running late because she double booked – I was prompt but my mind a million other places.

She orders a caramel macchiato, I go for a decaf since I already had 1 cup today at 630am.

She’s beautiful, confident and vibrant but not yet fully comfortable with herself in her 22 yr old body. I’m tired and dull and wish I at least did my hair a little nicer knowing 32 could still be my “prime”.

She told me about the self help books she’s been reading, her vision board and that she really likes doing yoga because it’s the one thing that calms her busy mind (besides the weed). I told her those books will change her life, her vision board comes true to almost every single detail and that I still love yoga but I wish I could do it more. I miss it a lot. And weed makes me anxious now. She laughs and says “really??!” and then tells me I should do more yoga.

She told me about the guys she’s dating and how they started off great but took a break for a while last year. Then they jumped back in and started a business together in real estate without any hesitation about the future and she’s wondering why she felt so comfortable doing that “is he the one”. I told her he is but they’ll have to go through a lot together to figure that out. And no, she’s not getting married at 24 like she hopes. She’s eager to have a family, to do better than what life has dealt her. But she’s not ready yet. I don’t tell her though, I just smile and nod.

She told me about her busy schedule bartending, babysitting and building a business and I chuckled a little as I told her about mine coordinating childcare, still doing my best to work full time and be a full time mom. I understand her struggles while silently judging her since she has no clue what “busy” truly is yet.

She’s so excited about her new career in real estate, she’s so ambitious. I applaud her for that and am grateful for her energy to choose the road less traveled even though it’s hard.

She said she’s working so hard to make ends meet, working extra shifts at the restaurant to invest in her business. Putting almost every penny towards this dream. I told her it worked and how much we make now. She almost choked. I reminded her that “mo money mo problems” is not just a clever lyrical line. We aren’t quite “rich” financially speaking, but we are in a lot of other ways. She looks at me funny like she doesn’t quite understand. So I elaborate. “We bought 2 houses in 3 years and we now live in a beautiful home surrounded by family. We play candyland at 10am on random weekdays with our kids, we eat mostly organic, we still have the same best friends that have grown with us although on different paths, and although we see each other way less often, they are still so loving and accepting. We are in a deeply supportive, healing and loving relationship. We are healthy. We are happy. Money comes and goes but as we get older, we come to understand that these are things that truly make a person rich”.

She nods and tears up a bit and asks how many kids?

“Three” I say, “just like the picture on your vision board right now”. Then I look at her dead in the eyes and say “twins first” and her eyes are wide with fear. I remind her God doesn’t give her anything she can’t handle and that those babies change her life once again. She winces at the word “God” and I hold her hand reassuringly as I rub my hand over my pregnant belly carrying our third.

I told her I’m working on healing my nervous system from 10 years of “hustling” and “girl bossing” and how I’m starting to realize although I do truly love my job, that I’m not quite sure I can continue to try to be the best at both career and mom all at the same time. That I’m thinking about choosing one path forward for the foreseeable future instead of constantly switching lanes. I told her all her hard work pays off though and she hits some pretty big goals with that ambition. Goals that afford her the opportunity to even make this decision now. And I tear up as I thank her sincerely for her sacrifices.

She can’t wait to be a mom and to live this life and I envy her freedoms and excitement for the life she dreams of ahead of her.

I tell her I love her. She gives me the biggest hug and says thank you for not giving up and I simultaneously thank her for being so brave.