Time is a thief

Time goes by- the only true certainly in this life while we are alive. There will be another day, and another after that and then some more. Another week, another month, another year. And with each passing moment there is also a stark reminder that we will never get that past moment back. That moment is gone in the abyss of time, only leaving behind what our memories and iphone cloud photo storage can hold onto. And we wonder if we really fully appreciated it when it was here.

I’m trying not to make every single blog post about being a mom and parenting but if I’m honest that is my all encompassing personality these days and I’m actually starting to be okay with that — for this exact reason actually. Because it’s fleeting. Well yes I will ALWAYS be a mom from this point forward in my life but I won’t ever be a mom like this again. I won’t ever be needed in the same way by my children ever again once these “younger years” pass.

I think when I first became a mom to my twins, it was a shock to the system, as I’m sure every first time mom experiences. I had an idea of what it will be like logically. And I was overcome with excitement for a new chapter in my life but I didn’t REALLY know the deep rooted affect it would have on my entire being and way I perceive myself. I basically thought “my life, my goals, my ambitions, my inner world if you will- will be exactly the same, I will just have babies to care for and once we get through the newborn stage everything will pretty much go back to normal” …. Lol.

And then it happens, a mother is born, not just my tiny children. And over the last few years it’s very clear to me that that means so much more than I originally thought. It means my entire inner thought process has changed. My priorities, my fears, my ambitions and my goals. All drastically different than before.

Or maybe that “older version” or (younger version really) of me is still there but she now shares space with this new mother me. And she shares time.

I’ve always kind of felt like I was racing a clock in my life. Just not enough time in my day to do everything I wanted to do. Or that I wasn’t “far enough along” in my business, ect. But after having my kids the concept of time got even more complex. Not only am I racing the clock throughout the day trying to find time to do all the things my realtor, entrepreneur self wants & needs to do to keep my business (my first baby) thriving but now mixed with all of the things the mother self wants and needs to do throughout the day to keep my children and family thriving. And through all the chaos the days go by fast. And the weeks and the months. And then there comes a time when I look up from these moments of chaos and start to notice.

I notice the changes in my children as they start to get older and more independent. I notice my marriage and the fact that it’s been months since we had a quiet dinner together or talked about life outside of kids and work. I notice the unfinished tasks that have been lingering for months on passion projects I haven’t been able to get to the finish line. I notice my home and the incomplete diy projects and repairs that are needed. I notice I haven’t seen my friends in months and I hope they know I still love them.

And I wonder if I may have missed something while I was so busy. Did I miss my kids asking me for something and I ignored them while in a work call and their trust in me weaned just a little. Did I miss my husband subtle act of affection because my nose was buried in an email and his desire to keep trying dimmed just a little. Did I miss my window of opportunity to launch my course? Did I miss a huge moment in my friends lives and I wasn’t there for them maybe in the same way they were for me?

And these are all just thoughts – not really with a positive or negative connotation. Just thoughts…

It’s not until I really look at my children now that I it hits me harder than ever. Or especially when my iPhone reminds what they looked like 2,3,4 years ago. It hits me that they will never be that little again. They will never be this little again. And that’s it’s true what they say about little kids and how you only have them for 4 years… because now that they are 4; they have questions, and hobbies and passions. They are becoming themselves more than they’ve been before. Less dependent on me which is another stark reminder that someday they won’t need me at all. If I do my job right at least.. and I can’t wait for that for them and I want to stop time entirely and never let that happen. They tell me all the time “I’m not going to grow up mommy “I’m going to stay 4 forever” and although my heart says “yes baby you will” because this version of them will live in my heart (and iPhone photos) forever just like every past version of them- I calmly tell that that “growing up is a beautiful thing and they have so much to see and to learn about life as you get older and it will be so much fun”.

And I’m realizing that time isn’t actually the thief at all really.. my perception of it is. My engrained stubborn ambition is. My belief that my time is better spent on my business or housework or literally anything else other than them. And yes mothers need breaks sometimes too to get back to this state of appreciation. But in realty my business will be the same in 4 years. My ability to build a business will not be missed. Because people grow older, businesses and the need for them change but opportunity is always there. So I think I’m okay with truly letting that simmer for some time, and maybe who know, time will actually make it better- like a fine wine. l

All of these realization have lead me to be different this time around as we welcome our third and final baby into our family. To be present in the hard moments. To really know how fleeting it all is and take each moment in like it’s our last because it is. It’s our last moment like that, there will be plenty of more moments but they will be different.

So the work can wait, I have my whole life, from 35-40 years old and on to build and run businesses. To have a clean house and laundry neatly tucked in drawers. But I only have a few very short years with my children, to enjoy them as children. Right here right now.

And I’ve decided I don’t want to miss a thing.