Hurt People Hurt People

The world feels heavy right now, it feels scary. The intense realization that anyone or anything can harm us at any time. As a mother or a parent, you typically have an innate calling to, above all else, protect your children and it’s seemingly getting harder and harder to do so.

The city I live in experienced a catastrophe the other night. A restaurant I’ve visited frequently with friends and family was shot up. A man was killed. People were hurt. And devastatingly, as we understand it now, this was for no good or specific reason at all other than seemingly heightened emotions.

A man died. A man who was having dinner with his family, probably celebrating something exciting in their lives. A normal dinner that we all experienced at some point in our lives. Sipping on wine about to take a bite of high quality steak, he was brutally murdered in front of his family for truly no reason at all. Wrong place wrong time.. I can’t help but picture myself and my husband with a friend or our family sitting in those exact seats. Laughing drinking and enjoying a great meal together when someone evil decides that that’s the day that life will end. It truly makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I’m shocked and stunned beyond belief.

And I just keep going back to why. Why would someone feel the need to do this? What could possibly possess another human to walk into a high-end restaurant and start shooting people they don’t know for no reason at all? Why do people walk into schools, a child’s safe space, looking to cause harm to others – to children. Why does anyone ever want to cause harm to random, innocent people?

The only thing I go back to is poor mental health. I think it’s safe to assume this kid (he was only 23) was angry. An anger that burned inside of him so big and so violent that it had nowhere to go but outward. What happened to him in his life that made him this angry? Most importantly, why didn’t he have the tools to cope with it. What was pouring gasoline on this anger to move him to such a haneous and violent public act? Where and when was he neglected, abused, hurt? When and how many times did he call out for help with no response? How many times was he taught to suppress his rage? Where was he shown such violence? Why did he feel this was the only way forward?

Our world is vastly changing  externally and internally. We are exposed to so much violence both real and fictional throughout any given day that our brains can’t possibly tell the difference. We watch the newscasters report on these acts of violence and say “aw too bad” or “another one” but why is no one asking why these occurrences keep happening? We share our lives on screens and call it “connection”. And more often than not these days we connect on hatred, on anger on trauma. We share our woes with the world, not for healthy debate, but for validation and justification. To fuel our personal rage that burns inside. We have unrealistic pressures and expectations placed upon us by past generations, our peers and ourselves. We have parents raising children in pressure cooker situations, between financial stress, heavy workloads, disconnection, and little to no help. No village. No emotional regulation because no one taught them. Maybe he was never shown how to work through his hard feelings. Please don’t get me wrong there will never be any excuse or justification for such atrocious actions. I hope he rots in prison. But it’s sad to think this may have been avoidable, isn’t it?

We know what the world looks like divided because we’re living it. When we don’t talk to our neighbors. When we tip toe around conversation, so it’s not to upset anybody. When we type angerly on our keyboard shaming, blaming everyone else for how we feel inside. But what does the world look like where we can handle the upset? Where being upset is actually healthy and discussed in a way where everyone feels heard and understood and respected even when the other party doesn’t agree. What if we came together as an actual community not just behind a screen. What if we hugged our neighbors and cheered on those around us. What if instead of arguing our point we listen to theirs not so that our minds get changed or we changed theirs, but simply to just understand each other better and how we got to those beliefs. What if we connected on love, on creativity, on productivity and problem-solving. What if we connected on fundamental morals and beliefs not policies.

It seems like every other day we’re introduced to another tragedy of this kind, schools, grocery stores, movie theaters, restaurants. How could we possibly feel safe in this society? And I’m just gonna go ahead and say it— guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Gun control (although helpful, because I don’t think anybody should own an assault rifle if you’re not in the military) isn’t the answer. If somebody is set on causing harm, they will cause it. Guns exist, and always will just like drugs do despite strict laws. So do steak knives and other weapons that can cause harm. What we need is help for people. We need community. We need families who are supported in raising good kids who turn into good adults. We need a village to help those families so they don’t feel stressed and overwhelmed in their own emotions. We need emotional intelligence across the spectrum of people and cultures ect. We need to learn and teach how to cope with uncomfortable situations and emotions, not numb it. We need healthy outlets for anger and sadness, not suppression. We need to love one another and at the very least respect one another.. 

Every day I look around and see violence and tragedy, but when I look closely enough, I also see love and beauty. I actually see a lot more love and beauty than tragedy. When I smile at someone at the grocery store and they smile back. On a walking path and every person says good morning. When a whole line of people let my toddlers go to the bathroom first before them. When families come together to support someone in need. 

I think people are inherently good but I think hurt people hurt people and we need to figure out how to help those people that are hurting. Pain is inevitable in life but suffering is option. Hard emotions are inevitable but violent actions are avoidable.

Godspeed.