Sitting at home on this lovely Columbus Day (aka just a good reason to not work today) and listening to music. Being in my own space, organizing and cleaning so I can let go. Checking things off the to-do’s so I can let myself do nothing.
The song that pops on is “Waves” by Dean Lewis. I’ve been struggling working through what should be my first blog post. I have so much I want to write about but how do I start it off. Where do I begin. I recently realized as well that this blog is not an auto-biography- although at some point I would love to write one. This blog is a space for me to express with the hopes of connecting with or inspiring others. I want to do that by expressing the feelings and thoughts I have throughout any given day. I want to just “go with the flow” and express as I go.
So when I heard this song, I wanted to to start here. I wanted to start by expressing how “Up” I’ve been feeling lately. New house, finally, that my partner and I have worked so hard for. Two babies on the way and the best pregnancy I could possible ask for- especially with twins. Thriving business and work life- although that will soon come to a pause- which I am also extremely grateful for and will be another blog post at some point. Just honestly feeling overwhelmed with gratitude, joy, contentedness, and overall positive feelings. I could go on.
On another note- not a pessimistic or negative view- but just the opposing energy, I understand this is a wave. Life is the ocean. It comes and goes with waves. It always does.
I fully understand this now. It’s cliche to say that life is a journey and that you never get to the finish line but for me I’ve really adopted this ideology. Although things are great right now, I haven’t “made it”. I am simply enjoying this moment of being on top of the wave. Of surfing through the clear water like Kelly Slater. At some point the wave will crash and again become part of the ocean, until another magical force moves the water and lifts me up once again.
I am about to give birth, the most magical, beautiful and arguably most painful and difficult thing a woman will do with her life. I would be naive to think that it will all go as planned. That it will be a perfect birth and perfect postpartum experience surrounded by support, family and friends. Although, this is my intention and my vision of how the next few months, post babies will go. Calm, full of love and overwhelming joy to see the life we have created (x2). However I am also mentally preparing for the crash of the wave. I am blocking my nose and getting my swimmies on just in case this one takes me under. But even if it does, I know that I will just simply become part of the ocean again and that I am still on this journey. I will do my best to remain present to the pain both physically and emotionally to see what there is to be learned in that moment. How I can listen in to myself while I am under water.
I am surprising myself everyday. I am not who I sometimes associate myself as. I am no longer busy, hectic, climbing just to scratch the surface and then fall back down again. I am not all of the stories I have made up about myself and my life over the past 26 years. I am transformed into the possibility of WHATEVER I want to be. Right now I am the possibility of the slow, present prenatal mother, connecting with her babies in the womb. Talking with their souls to start to understand their purpose here. I am the possibility of living a life by design, aka living the life I want to live without the constrictions of society and what “should be”. I am the possibility of turning painful endings into beautiful beginnings. I am the possibility of spreading this joy and light within me to- slowly but surely- help shape this world into a better place.
We can either live in possibility of what we can imagine or we can live in the stories we create about ourselves and our lives based on past experiences. The choice is ours. I chose life.
I Choose Life - Personal Blog 